Well, I’m Not at Peace!

Early this week I knew something was off in my world.  My mentor & friend Sr. Helene didn’t answer when I called & didn’t return my call as usual.  I couldn’t stop crying or stop thinking about her Tuesday morning, so I made some calls.  By 10 am I got word that she was unresponsive and not expected to live long.  Well, she held out for the vigil of the Assumption of Mary.  That’s just so like her!  Life & death by Feast Days!

Thankfully she is at peace, but I am not!  I don’t know why this has hit me so hard, but it has & I’m totally out of sorts.  I’ve been dealing a lot with suffering, death, and big changes in the last several years, so maybe I’m just on overload.  Maybe I’m thinking of my own mortality.  Maybe I am just tired of losing friends & family.  Maybe it’s because she is so far away, & I can’t go to her funeral.  Maybe I’m human & I just hurt.

My mother once told me, “Your relationship with your father hasn’t ended just because he died.  It’s just changed.”  I believe that.  Every time I cut up fruits & vegetables in my hands instead of on the cutting board, I hear my dad yelling at me to stop, & I yell back “I know!  I know!  I’m fine!  Stop worrying, I’m not gonna cut myself!”  Twelve years later I still say goodnight to him before I turn out the lights.

I had a special bond with Sr. Helene & I don’t think I’ll ever have that again with anyone else.  Special relationships are a blessing, and I will miss her deeply.  When I begin to truly let go & begin the healing process I will be back to blogging about peace & justice for people, plants, animals, & the world.  For now, I need some time to be sad, a little selfish, mournful, and a bit contemplative.  I think St. Dominic would grant me that dispensation.

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4 thoughts on “Well, I’m Not at Peace!

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